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| Keeps calling back at me... wish I could lose the password to this and the email its attached too... that way I wouldnt find myself here...
I dont care if anyone is reading or not...
I just.... need to clear my head...
although I doubt anyone is reading... anywho...
ugh... I keep thinking... just the past couple of days though...
that whats going on with erica... is moving waaay too fast... we've been together for almost 3 weeks now...
but... we're already saying we love each other... I'm not saying I don't like her... I really do... and maybe when I said it the first time, I was still not over Kayleigh... maybe I'm still not... and I was just looking for anything to put what I thought was the best part of my life behind me... ugh...
I realized today that I could still in some way check on her... the comments she's left on my page...
and I saw that she's got a new pic up... where she's smiling... made me smile to see her smile...
even knowing it might not be a real smile... the only other time before that pic that I've seen her smile is in person... might have been a few pics but she never smiled a full smile...
back to Erica... Don't get me wrong... she's a great girl... and maybe if everything with Kayleigh hadn't happened I'd be okay... and she really does make me happy... but something just........ doesn't feel right...
maybe its cuz I still love Kayleigh... and I can't help that... ugh... part of me is telling me to drop it now before we both get hurt... god... I'm pretty sure I love her... but... I still think its moving too fast... but I'm sure that I love Kayleigh... but I'm sure thats fucked up and over now... completely...
another part of me is telling me to tough it out... I can't just up and hurt Erica like that... its not right... wow... I never thought I'd find myself in this position... And If I just up and left her... thatd be just plain selfish... like I used her to get better... to be okay... but if I stay with her and things go awry once she's up here... she'll have no one... ugh... God... what the fuck am I supposed to do now...?
Lemme see my options...
Stay with Erica... things could be okay... I could fall completely and totally in love with her for real... and we could be happy...
or
Stay with Erica... things start to affect me more and more... we end up breaking up... she has no one up here... she's heartbroken... I feel horrible... and then I'm all alone...
or
Leave Erica now... try to repair everything that was messed up with Kayleigh and I... Erica is heartbroken but at least she'd be home with people to go to... and hope for the best with Kayleigh...
or
Leave Erica now... try again with Kayleigh only to find out she wants nothing to do with me anymore at all... Erica is heartbroken... but home with people... and I am left all alone with nothing anf no one...
damnit man...
all I know is I don't want to hurt anyone...
I love Kayleigh...
and
I'm pretty sure I love Erica... but things are moving way too fast...
god damnit all... | | |
| This is where everything really starts again for me...
I learned somethings tonight... and I just shed the last tears for what started 2 years ago...
January 4th, 2009... I've got a fresh start... Kinda...
From what I can make out of my future... heres what I see for 2009...
Erica... She's my girlfriend now... she lives in Florida though...
But thats okay... She'll be moving up here once I finish my 2nd semester at St. John's University in May
How? Well... this is gonna make me sound like a gold digger... but uh... She was in an accident in November 2007... and the truck company that crashed the car she was in is giving her $180,000... after lawyer fees and what not, it comes out to $120,000... but that us still a crap load of money... and she wants to use it to get an apartment up here with me... But that won't be til May til then... I go back to school on January 20th... At which point in time, I will be going back to running and I will start working out for real... and of course try to excel the best I can in my classes.
Then in March, for spring break, I'm going to be headed down to Florida to see Erica for the first time in person...
After that, her moms goin up to NYC to see a friend and Erica will be tagging along... so I'll get to see her then too... that'll be in April
Then in the Beginning of May I shall return home after final... at which point Erica will fly up here and stay with me and my family for a while while we look for an apartment together...
in the fall of 2009, I should hopefully be going to Lewis University or UIC depending on where I get accepted and where we get our apartment....
And next years holidays, my life should be going pretty well...
so umm... I just said good bye to every part of my past.... and I'm pretty sure I've shed the last tears over what was the most important part of my life at one point... its all changed now though...
heh... feels like I just had a leg or arm amputated... and I just want to sleep now... sleep this empty feeling off... hopefully wake up nice and refreshed... ugh... so much for fixing my sleeping schedule....
Well... this is also my last blog cuz I will no longer be using xanga or my email account attached to xanga... so yeah... to char... have a good life... To Kayleigh... I will miss you... everything about you.... get better... and hopefully soon you can be happy...
and know... you will always hold the spot in my heart for my first kiss... and my first real love...
and know that I will forever Love You... thank you... for everything...
Goodbye...
I love you
| | |
| ...enough to stay.
or try to work things out... I did...
You walked away from everything.
YOU didnt want to talk to me... so dont come at me with your "Not hearing a word from me"
and why yes... I would fuck you! lol...
Im glad I could make your life easier by making you not care. You showed me the same thing when you got with someone else 2 days... just TWO fuckin days after we were over... shows how much I meant to you...
| | |
| Wow... Its 4:15 as I start to type this... I'm still up in my friends room... 405... we were watching the Friends DVD season...
She fell asleep on the couch... Now Im at the table typing this... yup...
Probably gonna wake her up so I can leave once Im done with this...
but... I've done alot of thinking... yes, today...
I've been hanging out with Meg since like 2:30p today... er... yesterday... and while were at dinner...
we talked... obviously, we werent just sitting in silence lol...
we were talking bout... well... I was talking bout how I'm probably not gonna be the same after... Kayleigh...
How I'm probably gonna have some trust issues now...
She said she has trust issues...
but shes not sure why, shes never been fucked over...
That made me think... about how I was fucked over like that...
Then I was gonna say that I've never fucked anyone over... then I remembered Kat... And How I fucked her over....
Karma... what goes around comes around... and I got my just desserts... lol... all those cliches
This was all after I found out that Kayleigh had just... been single for all of about 2 days before she was with this Mike guy...
At first it really pissed me off... Then I felt used... then I felt sorry for Mike cuz shes on the rebound... cuz shes probably just using him too... then I slept... then I talked to Meg... and we talked about how... people change...
especially us... people our age... cuz... we're young and insane... lol
Kayleigh... if you read this... or Char, when you read this... pass this message along... to her
Don't settle just yet... your young, insane and definately bound to change alooot.
Go have fun and be a teenager and make mistakes... get in trouble... Drink til you pass out...
BE A TEENAGER
I lost my chance... but I can still fuck around abit... lol
on a different note...
Over this past week... cuz of everything... and all this time I've been spending with new people... I've realized that... I've kinda got feelings for someone else... Meg, of course...
Shes just... different... and I wanna tell her and maybe get some fun out of it...
But not cuz I wanna fuck her over or anything. Its just who she is... she doesn't want a long relationship, she doesnt wanna settle... she just wants to have fun (and no, shes not a whore, shes a virgin for that matter)
aside from that, she got acctepted into a school closer to her house (she lives in conneticut)
and shes transfering out midsemester...
so again... if anything happens, it will all be for fun...
Then theres who she is... Shes got a strong personality and is looking for a 'Bad Boy'
lol...
Thats DEFINATELY not me...
So again.. I just wanna have some fun while I can... (I'd try with some of her room mates, but they're all too goody 2 shoes... I'd feel bad... like taking an innocent)
lol
Yeah, shes a virgin... but she aint that damn innocent.. lol...
lol... we were up here in her room for alone for abit earlier.. and I got bored and started bugging her by cracking my fingers... she thinks it gross and we started play fighting... at one point, I had her pinned down... and I was gonna say somethin bout how I was feeling... and It just never came...
I feel like 'm reverting to my high school self again... unable to talk to girls... or rather... tell them how I feel...
I gotta tell her soon or else... I'll be taking a step back... that and shes said that if someone liked her, she would like to be told...
Now Im contemplating on waking her up, telling her then going to bed... or waiting for tomorrow... most likely I'll choose the latter... but I dunno... anyways, I'm done... I just spent about 30mins typing this... so yeah... all done | | |
| That you've moved on...
You're okay... you have some one to take care of you that won't be an ass like me... (sarcasm)
meh... I've been trying to put it far from my mind... been working for the most part...
But its been... 8 days now...
and you already have a new Boyfriend... thats gotta be a record... lol
This past week I...
Have stayed up every night til atleast 2... including school nights
But I haven't been alone... no, I wouldn't torture myself like that...
sure, thoughts of you constantly come and go... but they go as quickly as they came... mostly cuz I have a distraction.
I've been up in Room 405 til late as hell just about every night this week.
Mostly just chillin with Meg, Brianna, Joanna and Amie
they all joke about how I basically live up there now.
lol
I dont know why... maybe cuz I still care and love you...
but I find myself going to your myspace page often...
Then I saw "Micheal" on your Numero 2 spot... I kinda figured since that used to be my spot, you were with him...
I wasn't convinced... Figuring you'd need time to be okay... after all... we were together almost 2 years...
(HEY I lasted longer than Charlie!)
But then I came to Xanga... and read His post about how you're with a 26 year-old roid-rager... lmao
Well... I felt... crushed... yes, thats the word...
for all of about 2 minutes
But then I thought hey... You moved on (pretty damn fast) and I'm... getting there...
However I feel I must put my 2 cents in about this... 26 year old roid rage dude.
first problem... hes 26... your 17 (jailbait)
sure, age is but a number... but thats a 9 year difference!hes old enough to be... well, not your father, but you get the point. NIGGA IS OLD (well... WHITEY IS OLD)
Second... ROID RAGE... lol... Ive seen his pix... and the way the dude looks, MY DICK is probably bigger than his... lmao
Now I feel like a dick cuz all I'm doing is bashing on him...
lol
He is a much better looking guy than I am... and hes got those strong arms you liked about me... (now I feel gay)
and If you like him... well, than be with him...
I'm not one to judge, I just felt like... being your exboyfriend and all, I needed to say something...
If your happy with him... well... I'm okay with that... I hope he doesnt fail where I did and keeps you happy...
And a word of advice to you...
DON'T CHEAT ON HIM
Well, I'm off to... Some event on campus where my room 405 buddies are
im bored outta my mind, so Im going...
Oh sii, I'm going home for thanksgiving... I wasted $40 on a ticket to Easton that is now junk, but meh...
I got my money back on what I got you, so it more than evened out...
well, yes...
PEACE MOTHA'FUCKAS | | |
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